June 18th, 2017

Dear A, 

  1. I have a new phone and am very excited because I can once again use apps of all kinds. Such as the WordPress app. Excellent. 
  2. I love toast. 
  3. I think I can make peace with hating writers and valuing writing. 
  4. I fear our narrowminded generation. No room for differences of opinion. No room for criticism. Just shouting. 
  5. I feel so embarrassed. 
  6. I have nothing new to say. I am cooking more and it’s nice. I am tumbling deeper into a hole, not a bad hole, but something new, and all I can hope that I find a more honest version of myself. I could easily go the other way. 
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June 7th, 2017

Dear A,

1.I hope Jedi is doing better, or if worst came to worst, went peacefully. Nothing to break your heart like a dog.

2. I had a burst of employment so I was very busy last week. It was a shock to the system, but I didn’t crumple under the pressure. It was funny to feel all the ol’coping mechanisms coming back into play, the desire to eat everything within reach, to shop, to call in sick, or give up. I didn’t. I bought a coffee a few times, I treated myself on the Friday to lunch, but otherwise I didn’t go nuts. I didn’t call in sick, I went everyday and did my work, I didn’t give in. I went boxing everyday. I didn’t shut down, I talked with my co-workers, asked for help as needed. I did all the admin I had to. I completed everything. It was fine.

I didn’t think anything like this was possible anymore. I didn’t think I could face these regular pressures anymore. It’s strange to think how much I believed my life was over, that my strength was really gone. It’s… odd.

3. It’s worth writing about. I’m going to let myself write. Just write. Just write.

4. This is an interesting time. Something is changing. I’m becoming less afraid? Less dramatic. Less ruled by emotion.

5. I hope you’re well, and enjoying your amazing summer. Don’t let small things weigh you down. Enjoy what is.


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May 27/2017

Dear A,

1.I suppose you are basking in the beauty of some French town, eating, no, not eating cheese, but eating other delicious things, enjoying good company.

2. It’s strange to read the news again and think about, if only briefly, these big problems of the world. The earth is dying. Bees, water crises, temperature. Things beyond my control.

3. I have a bad head cold and have been drinking copious amounts of tea.

4. And eating copious amounts of crackers and toast.

5. I am bored of words. At least as a writer. I’ll be teaching ESL all this week. And the upcoming weeks. A different connection to language.

6. I’ll figure it out.

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May 21/2017

Dear A,

1.Hello. I have returned from the island. I saw some theatre, saw some old friends. Petted goats at a petting zoo. Ate lots of good food. Felt taken care of. It was nice. The ferry ride is beautiful as well.

2. My funds are dwindling but I have interviews. I have hope. I think I could teach really well if I was in a structured environment and not plagued by fear of failure and inadequacy.

3. I feel capable of handling stress. I feel capable of learning to deal with big emotions. I feel like I might be able to handle my own heart. This is new. This is good.

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May 12/2017

Dear A,

1.the days I live in reality are so much harder than when I don’t. This week was an off week. I applied to jobs and had interviews and lined up more and thought about practical things and I dislike that. I like the days when I live in a fantasy world and don’t think about money or how-to-pay-my-bills or things like that. How can I do both?

2.I got the job I interviewed for and am going to turn it down. Inside I was just screaming noooooooooooo, no more teaching! At least not in the same type of places. If I’m going to teach again I want it to be the next level. And it wasn’t a serious interview. They basically just gave me the job. I don’t respect places that don’t do serious interviews.

3.They surprised me with a sample of the SAT which I had to take, and did rather poorly on the writing section, which involved selecting which phrase had the best grammar. Seriously. Standardized testing is ridiculous. I also do not know the specifics of a lot of grammar rules, so that may have something to do with it… I will master grammar.

4. I was eating chocolate this morning because I felt sad and I did not want to eat chocolate, but I did it because that’s what I do when I feel sad, so I went and spat it out. I don’t want to keep these patterns of being slave to emotions. So what if you’re sad? Keep living life. And it was just that I noticed how distinctly I had no desire to eat anything, but I was doing it out of my understanding that food makes the pain less. I do not want that life anymore. It was not about chocolate or calories or fat. It was not about guilt for enjoying something. I was not enjoying it. I was doing something I did not enjoy. So I stopped it.

5.Masters of None season 2 is available! I stopped watching the first episode because I can’t watch romance anymore. Right now. Uh.

6. Joan Didion is amazing. The Year of Magical Thinking is spectacular. Ah. It’s waking me up. Which I resent. I want to forget writing and art all together. I want to forget these things. I cannot. I cannot forget myself.

7. I am bitter and want to be loved. Like in a movie. I am useless to the world unless I kill my self-pity.

8. Write. That is the answer. I… I want to feel connected. I want to be a point of contact. I want to get hit in the face. I wonder if that’s why I’m bad at defense. I just want to be touched.


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May 11/2017

Dear A,

1.I keep hurting myself in boxing, but in small ways. Twice I have not made a full fist when hitting and smashed a finger while smashing my hand into someone’s ribs. Today I hurt my thumb. No serious damage (I think) but still, annoying. Small moments of being uncommitted screw me over.

2. Boxing this week was odd. I was mentally unfocused and felt awkward again. I have been emotionally distracted this week. I was thinking of the Northrup article you sent me. My body is cleansing. Getting ready to expel.

3. I want to end certain relationships that no longer serve me. No longer make sense. I am scared. I am scared of how it will look. But it’s just being human. Things end. It’s just life.

4. I have an interview for a teaching position tomorrow. It’s looks like a great company, a surprising find for craigslist, though craigslist is a normal place to post for jobs, not just creep land.

5. Adbusters has an opening, first time in a few years. Last time I was too scared to apply. I’m still scared and feel like I’m not good enough, but I’m going to apply. Who knows.

6. Boxing. I wish I could just box. Everything felt so good when I spent the whole day thinking about boxing and then got to the club and boxed. Life felt good.

7. I’m listening to Adele. So good.

8. I had a salad with olives today. So good.

9. I’m icing my thumb. So good.

10. I am definitely considering moving to L.A. in January. We will see. Don’t worry, that doesn’t mean I’ve ruled out Berlin. Or just staying here.

11. My 16 year old child prodigy friend is tutoring calculus for $100/h. Amazing.

12. There is something so important in sport. So beautiful. Gah.

13. I’m reading Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking. Incredible. One of the reviews on the back says “I can’t imagine dying without this book.” What a beautiful thing to say. To have said about ones work. Mmmm.


Everybody tells me it’s ’bout time that I moved on
And I need to learn to lighten up and learn how to be young
But my heart is a valley, it’s so shallow and man made
I’m scared to death if I let you in that you’ll see I’m just a fake
Sometimes I feel lonely in the arms of your touch
But I know that’s just me, ’cause nothing ever is enough
When I was a child I grew up by the River Lea
There was something in the water, now that something’s in me
Oh I can’t go back, but the reeds are growing out of my fingertips
I can’t go back to the river

14. It’s amazing how when one thing is damaged (the thumb) you can feel how connected it is to everything else (the fingers, the wrist). Typing with an injury, however mild, is teaching me a lot. We do not respect the value of pain. The lessons pain can give. We medicate those who feel pain. We do not listen. We do not want to feel our inherent connections.

15. I think a literature degree would be far more useful for writers than a creative writing degree. I’ve learned more from fifty pages of Joan Didion than I did in almost those entire two years of study. Study, can I call it that? Of enduring others. Yes.

16. The guy I like is still beautiful and perfect and not single. Damn it, A!

17. I wonder how long it would take after potentially moving to L.A. to get over him.

18. I have never found anyone so beautiful. Even when I was in love with people. It was never this. He’s like War and Peace, something you marvel at with whatever you know about it, before you’ve even read it. You just know it’s worth marveling at.

19. I want a hamster. Last night I couldn’t sleep and read the Wikipedia article on hamsters. According to it, the first pair of breeding hamsters from which currently domesticated hamsters are descended from were from Aleppo, Syria. Hmm.

20. It takes so much strength to live. When did I become so weak, or the forces against me so strong? Or maybe because I am strong, those forces are getting stronger?

21. Don’t let someone hit you without hitting back. Boxing. It’s true.

22. I have grown unaccustomed to writing the way I did. Well. Easily. Honestly. Now I am caked with fear. I must scrub myself clean. I must be brave. Even if I don’t know why, and I doubt the value of words. Something small, at the very least, says write.


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May 08/2017

Dear A,

1. Only one of my three pairs of workout pants fit. It’s been hard to find clothes that fit properly so I’ve always settled for what fits best out of a variety of imperfect options (like democracy?). Unlike voting, however, I could just spend more time digging through stores to find the perfect fit. But it’s annoying and embarrassing. I was saying yesterday that I should just learn how to sew one pattern of dress, one that looks great, and just make dresses in that pattern. I should do that with pants too. Clothes in general. Learn how to sew one dress, one pair of pants, and one top. Tops are easier to find, so that’s okay. Hmm… I’m terrible at sewing. I could learn. Improve. Imagine making your own clothes! What a skill. I could get whatever fabrics I like. I could recycle old clothes. It’d be great.

2. My hair looks ridiculous. I haven’t washed it yet, so it’s a porcupine inspired bedhead.

3. I’m scared of my own power to make and keep myself miserable. I’m so good at it. Need to strengthen my other skills. Joy, peace, focus, optimism. I’m good at those too. Just. Ah.

4. I won a $100 giftcard to Opus yesterday, at their Outdoor Painting Challenge. What to buy…

5. I ate a good breakfast. Scrambled eggs, salad, toast.

6. What do I do, A? I want to stop asking that question. I know what to do.

7. I’m tired of wanting to be liked. I like myself. I want that to be enough.

8. I get so bogged down with how long change will take and then I don’t take the steps to create the outcomes I want. I want to solve problems, not simply take them apart and analyze them. That can be a part of problem solving but it ends up being an end in itself which isn’t useful to improve situations.

9. I saw some cute dogs yesterday. And some nice apartments in the West End. I would like to live there, eventually.

10. I’m trying to plant the right seeds in life. To listen to myself and my instincts and what I want. Create what feels impossible. I have had two glasses of water today. Water is so important. This area is so loud. Constant noise.

11. It’s important to say what you feel to people. We can’t escape it. It will come back over and over again, emotional boomerangs. It sucks.

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