Jealousy. Bitterness. Spite. Rage.
These course through me repeatedly at various intervals, turning the inner eye inside out. The minuscule veins bloom from the sight-bulb as it scans the lives of others through a putrid lens of desire. It’s an unpleasant place, but there is something validating about it as well. There is a strange pleasure in misery. Why?
It occurred to me that part of jealousy involves the desire for a better life for oneself. The characteristic of jealousy is wanting what someone else has, yes, but wanting good things for ourselves in a sign of compassion for ourselves. It is not reflective of the hateful anger swamp we inhabit when we feel jealous. There is a seed of wholesome want in the rotten fruit of jealousy, and in removing this seed, cleansing it, and planting, we can reap a great harvest from something that once was only pain.
Everything in us is on our side. We just have to undercover how it’s trying to help us, and what it’s trying to show us. Everything teaches. The demons aren’t actually trying to destroy us. They’re trying to destroy what they think gets in the way. Sometimes they think we’re the problem, and then we have these wars in our psyches, when the real problem is our inactivity in tending to ourselves. Teach the demons what to attack and they will serve us. Understand the roots of apathy and unhappiness and then we can use this ferocious energy of the darkness to our advantage.
Everything inside us wants to win. Befriend the demons. Create a unified front. Identify and attack the true obstacles. We can defeat agony.