Both my hamster and I are sneezing. I am unsure of what afflicts her delicate little nostrils. She afflicts mine. Could we be allergic to each other? She certainly mirrors my emotional states, and I feel a degree of responsibility for her when she is agitated or neurotic. It is interesting to watch her. She makes things harder for herself. She pushes away the little box I place under the tube, as a step, and then struggles to climb into the tube. She pushed it away. I placed it there for her. What is she thinking? And yet, I do the same, constantly. People, opportunities, money, push it away and struggle to climb out of the darkness alone.
Some heartbreak is too perfect. You cannot help but admire the handiwork, the perfect befuckery of your deeds. In sparring some weeks ago, I faced a very advanced boxer, and couldn’t help but admire her power and skill as she beat the shit out of me. The pains of life are like this too, so brilliantly orchestrated that they invoke as much awe as they do misery. We are strange creatures, ruining our own lives in profound ways. But that just means we’re in control. More control than we want to face. The power of an individual to shape their own life is immense. And to forget this, too dangerous.