Dead things don’t grow. If I’m changing, I’m alive. However unpleasant it is. Shedding. I’ve shed relationships that once were a celluloid membrane around my heart. I am the snake rubbing herself against rocks to remove what is no longer useful, ugly and worn in the process. I was born to be alone. I do not write this in a remorseful way. I am seeing the benefits now. It is my calling, to live life for myself. Not, I hope, in a selfish way or arrogant way, but in a way suited to writing and honing a craft.
I have a desire for power. I’ve been laughed at my whole life. I can hear it in my head now; most people are unwilling to acknowledge how weak they feel. I’ve learned that this is the first step towards changing, towards becoming stronger. What are you willing to sacrifice? A question from boxing class, but useful in any context of change. To leave behind the person I am now for someone much stronger and more capable of making on life, I am willing to sacrifice everything. I do not feel resentment or anger at that person, I just know I need to be someone different.
Nonetheless, plenty of anger and resentment to go around. I am disappointed in the people I have loved. Where is their passion for a better life, their willingness to face themselves, to stop complaining, to be grateful for the lives they have? Am I being too harsh? Judgmental? I am certainly capable of praise and admiration, and I have that for many as well. But I need to stop giving people a break, and stop giving myself those same breaks. Being sloppy, slow, late, etc. But being gentle is oddly powerful. Trying to beat out the qualities in you that you don’t like doesn’t work. But small delicate changes and delicate encouragement have a big effect.
I have an idea of who I would like to be. I don’t know if that actually suits me. I can’t work from ideas, I have to discover what’s really there. Know thyself.
I want to earn my arrogance. To live up to whatever grandeur I have about myself. Losing people along the way, it is no great loss if they were not up for the challenge of finding themselves along their way.
I am so tired. I want more.