May 12/2017

Dear A,

1.the days I live in reality are so much harder than when I don’t. This week was an off week. I applied to jobs and had interviews and lined up more and thought about practical things and I dislike that. I like the days when I live in a fantasy world and don’t think about money or how-to-pay-my-bills or things like that. How can I do both?

2.I got the job I interviewed for and am going to turn it down. Inside I was just screaming noooooooooooo, no more teaching! At least not in the same type of places. If I’m going to teach again I want it to be the next level. And it wasn’t a serious interview. They basically just gave me the job. I don’t respect places that don’t do serious interviews.

3.They surprised me with a sample of the SAT which I had to take, and did rather poorly on the writing section, which involved selecting which phrase had the best grammar. Seriously. Standardized testing is ridiculous. I also do not know the specifics of a lot of grammar rules, so that may have something to do with it… I will master grammar.

4. I was eating chocolate this morning because I felt sad and I did not want to eat chocolate, but I did it because that’s what I do when I feel sad, so I went and spat it out. I don’t want to keep these patterns of being slave to emotions. So what if you’re sad? Keep living life. And it was just that I noticed how distinctly I had no desire to eat anything, but I was doing it out of my understanding that food makes the pain less. I do not want that life anymore. It was not about chocolate or calories or fat. It was not about guilt for enjoying something. I was not enjoying it. I was doing something I did not enjoy. So I stopped it.

5.Masters of None season 2 is available! I stopped watching the first episode because I can’t watch romance anymore. Right now. Uh.

6. Joan Didion is amazing. The Year of Magical Thinking is spectacular. Ah. It’s waking me up. Which I resent. I want to forget writing and art all together. I want to forget these things. I cannot. I cannot forget myself.

7. I am bitter and want to be loved. Like in a movie. I am useless to the world unless I kill my self-pity.

8. Write. That is the answer. I… I want to feel connected. I want to be a point of contact. I want to get hit in the face. I wonder if that’s why I’m bad at defense. I just want to be touched.

 

About Undecided Pseudonym

A woman who remembers enjoying writing.
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