May 08/2017

Dear A,

1. Only one of my three pairs of workout pants fit. It’s been hard to find clothes that fit properly so I’ve always settled for what fits best out of a variety of imperfect options (like democracy?). Unlike voting, however, I could just spend more time digging through stores to find the perfect fit. But it’s annoying and embarrassing. I was saying yesterday that I should just learn how to sew one pattern of dress, one that looks great, and just make dresses in that pattern. I should do that with pants too. Clothes in general. Learn how to sew one dress, one pair of pants, and one top. Tops are easier to find, so that’s okay. Hmm… I’m terrible at sewing. I could learn. Improve. Imagine making your own clothes! What a skill. I could get whatever fabrics I like. I could recycle old clothes. It’d be great.

2. My hair looks ridiculous. I haven’t washed it yet, so it’s a porcupine inspired bedhead.

3. I’m scared of my own power to make and keep myself miserable. I’m so good at it. Need to strengthen my other skills. Joy, peace, focus, optimism. I’m good at those too. Just. Ah.

4. I won a $100 giftcard to Opus yesterday, at their Outdoor Painting Challenge. What to buy…

5. I ate a good breakfast. Scrambled eggs, salad, toast.

6. What do I do, A? I want to stop asking that question. I know what to do.

7. I’m tired of wanting to be liked. I like myself. I want that to be enough.

8. I get so bogged down with how long change will take and then I don’t take the steps to create the outcomes I want. I want to solve problems, not simply take them apart and analyze them. That can be a part of problem solving but it ends up being an end in itself which isn’t useful to improve situations.

9. I saw some cute dogs yesterday. And some nice apartments in the West End. I would like to live there, eventually.

10. I’m trying to plant the right seeds in life. To listen to myself and my instincts and what I want. Create what feels impossible. I have had two glasses of water today. Water is so important. This area is so loud. Constant noise.

11. It’s important to say what you feel to people. We can’t escape it. It will come back over and over again, emotional boomerangs. It sucks.

About Undecided Pseudonym

A woman who remembers enjoying writing.
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