April 17th

Dear A,

  1. I am unsure how to fulfill my various financial needs (renewing my passport, getting a new computer, going to Toronto) while fulfilling my mandate of working as little as possible in order to write. I can do it. I just need to, as is often the case, do it.
  2. I ran 1 mi today with a time of 10:06. I’m going to keep a running schedule for five week and keep track of my speeds and such. This is week one, and it’s just to see where I am. Tomorrow will be 2 mi, Wednesday 3, Thursday 4, Friday rest, and Saturday the big Five Miles. Alongside boxing. I want to kick ass.
  3. Occasionally I ask myself why I want to box. I have found many answers, but one came up recently which surprised me, though I realize it is also probably one of the most sincere. No one will laugh at you if you’re a boxer. It’s fairly true. They might laugh at you on the whole, still, but they won’t laugh at that. That’s something no one could take away, a skill that lives through your entire being. All those days in those stupid classes at UBC with the most pretentious, arrogant ingrates. It felt like continually being laughed at, didn’t it? I don’t want that. I want to burn through that feeling like oxygen alight. I suppose that’s why I love sports. You literally burn through oxygen, and are transformed.
  4. I worked a bit on one of my poems today. I made some toast. I cleaned a little. I made my aforementioned running plan. I stretched. I showered. I dried my hair. I had lunch with my mom. I helped make the coconut chutney.
  5. I am reading Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer, one of my favourite writers. It’s about Mormon Fundamentalism and the nature of faith, how it drives the most horrific of deeds. The sexual abuse in polygamist groups is horrific. What people go through in this life…
  6. I want to read all those Adrienne Rich books this summer. I too shall peruse the used book stores. Oh, I did start that list when I was over, for summer reading. I will revisit that.
  7. I want to catalogue all of my books. Make a spreadsheet. I think it’d be fun. I love cataloguing and documenting.
  8. I’m so tired of talking myself down. I’m so tired of telling myself no. I’m so tired of holding back.
  9. I miss nature. I hope she misses me.
  10. I am tired of loving people when they cannot love themselves. Of being their heart simply because they refuse to use theirs. I have my own heart-work to do. Leave me alone. Pull your load. It’s frustrating.


About Undecided Pseudonym

A woman who remembers enjoying writing.
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