rage, and other ponderings

Where do you put the rage? I feel like I could kill someone, like it’s all so close to the surface, and all I can do is send it out into cyberspace and pray for death. Except I won’t pray for death. I’ll watch Friends until I pass out. Then I’ll wake up, and pretend I know how to survive, until at night my thoughts go crazy screaming like madness that pours through spouts in the kitchen, the bathroom, anywhere there’s a sink to catch those strange smoky emotions that run through me like wine. It seems that I’ve always hated life, though I know this isn’t true. I love seeing flowers, blue skies, the furry face of a dog. These things all give me joy. A ripe grape. The smell of peanut butter. A smart pun. If I would live within those moments delicate as the soap surface of a bubble I would, but that isn’t living. What will I do with my poison? Do I feed it to someone else, or bleed it out, like in the medicine of old days? There is nothing left for me here. But I don’t want that to be true, and people tell me it isn’t true, that there’s a lot for me, so I must believe them, and I do. I have long felt that suicide is the ultimate act of self-expression, but that isn’t true. It’s life. It’s living.

About Undecided Pseudonym

A woman who remembers enjoying writing.
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2 Responses to rage, and other ponderings

  1. Jenn says:

    I’m often scared of anger… my own anger. I fear what i can do with it – like kill or seriously hurt someone. I generally don’t know what to do with it. advice given to me have been to either rant about it, scream into a pillow, get physical (like run/push ups etc). I’ll pass it on in case it’s at all helpful for expressing it.

    or I’ll leave you with a beautiful quote I found and the alteration I used in my creation project.

    “Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are.” – Augustine of Hippo

    “I am a daughter of hope for I am both angry and have the courage to see that they do not remain as they are”

    Maybe you are a daughter of hope and can channel your anger and call upon your courage to change the world.
    lots of love girl.
    Miss you

    • Indu Iyer says:

      That is indeed lovely. Anger brings about so much good in the world, if only we channel it to the right places. I just want to be heard, but I fear the people I need to hear me never will. But, hope, hope hope hope… xoxox Miss you too!! ❤

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