Three nights on melatonin were lovely, but I don’t want to be dependent on drugs to sleep. Well, four nights, though I only had three grams last night. I have to wait about a month and a half to hear back from the writing program, sigh. Waiting, waiting… what can I write about that’s meaningful? Here in Canada, our health care system is being threatened by huge budget cuts. Terrifies me. A for-profit health care system is not health care, but big business, which only profits a those on top.
In other news, I miss singing. It’s such an incredible feeling. I do miss performing, but I’m scared of it. Maybe I will go back to theatre school one day. Or at least to the training. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not because I’m depressed, but because I’m tired and cold. But yes, depression. In writing my application to UBC’s creative writing program, I realized how essential writing is to my life. It gives me a sense of purpose. I must write daily, whether of quality or not, whether I feel like it or not. This must be the way. Singing will be a hobby, but writing will be a livelihood. I hope I can make it work. I am so sleepy. Why? Because my sleep schedule is messy. And there’s always sociology. I can study sociology and do well and enjoy it, but I have to do the readings and the homework which I am currently behind on. Motivation is a funny thing. I am very motivated to do some things but completely apathetic towards others.
I wrote a poem about body image yesterday. I rather like it. Seeing a movie with people tonight. I am always so pessimistic about hanging out in groups, but I end up enjoying myself. I fear feeling isolated and alone. It’s a terrible feeling, especially when among others. Push myself to write. Write now. I am sleepy now. I am unmotivated now. Why can’t I be this sleepy at night? How boring is all this. Oh well. It’s something to share. Something human, if banal. Banal and dry. I just want to go home and cook and watch Friends. Then do that. Okay. Bye.