Today was a good day. The gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach is gone. No suicidal thoughts today! Which is nice. How does this happen? How random it all seems, this nameless suffering, and equally nameless peace. Well, the suffering is not nameless. Mental illness. Frailty, thy name is madness. My name is madness. What will happen when the pain returns? I know exactly what will happen. I will be a mess. I will sleep until 3. I will not do the dishes for weeks. Shower rarely. Eat scraps of somethings resembling food. Or eat meal after meal after snack after meal. Long for death. I will, in short, suffer. But so much of it is of my making, well, all of it, whether it be chemical or otherwise. Though it’s all chemical really. Everything is biology, and biology is chemistry, and chemistry is physics, and physics is- truth? Feminism is truth. Ha. And then they threw tomatoes at her. And unfollowed her blog. And threatened to dismember and rape her. Not you good folk, I hope, but there are those out there… It’s a scary world. Hunger comes back. Regular hunger, not abstract, metaphor for depression hunger. Spent all day working on a Prezi for sociology class. Will spend the evening watching Friends. At least today was productive. At least today proves there is hope, for more days like this. Today proves that my emotions do not own me. Unless that is only because I took some extra medication last night, for sleep, and that is causing a positive effect today. And maybe I am dependent on those little pills for sanity. Maybe I am nothing but a monster, a dying woman, a lab rat. Maybe I am a waste of resources. Maybe I should fall and descend into the darkness. See how easy it is to go there? Right there, on the brink, all the time. I hope it improves. I hope I need not live like this forever. How could I? Despair rots me. I need to cut away the bad bits. Lobotomy? No no. Though some days… would it be so different? I am a zombie anyway. No, I am not. I have more agency than I give myself credit for. Give credit where it is due. I flossed the other night. Excellent! On the right track. 

About Undecided Pseudonym

A woman who remembers enjoying writing.
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