Each day is a journey, and each day is a battle. I’m getting tired of fighting, but there is no other way. I need to learn to replenish myself, that’s all. Replenish myself with positive actions. I had a kale and blueberry smoothie for dinner. Very nourishing. I actually felt full. I worry about the future but that is moot. I worry about so many things. So what if things don’t go as planned? How boring it would be if they did. This blog always brings out the best in me. I almost resent that. I wish I could just share the poison, but that would only get us so far. The poison will cause cancer. I need to pass along hope. I hope I can write a book one day, a book of all these tidings of late. The hopelessness, the frustration, the hope, the possibility. The blunt insanity of it all. And it’s scary to think I am by no means as sick as many out there. Fuck, I’m not even sick right now. But I’m torturing myself, which I think is a part of the illness. Learning how to stop torturing myself will be a big part of my recovery. Recovery. I need to recover. I have a few months here during which I can help myself or hurt myself. It’s all up to me. I feel alone in the world because I’m not engaging with the world. I feel unhappy because I’m living an unhealthy life. I feel trapped because I’m not moving. But I’m trying. This is a venue for trying, if anything. There is so much dissent in my mind. I don’t want to die from this illness. I want to keep on fighting. Who of us can know where our lives will take us? None. We just have to take it day by day, and work tirelessly to improve this world as we see fit. It’s funny because improvement to one is destruction to the other, but that’s what keeps everything moving, the struggle between all the various forces out there.
Keep strong, friends, keep strong.