Happy New Years everyone! Here’s to more happiness and success than ever before. Here’s to mental health. Here’s to good decision making. Here’s to a realm of endless of possibilities, otherwise known as life. I would like to write everyday, which I can easily translate into I would like to blog everyday. I have scarce been doing so this past while. I would like to write as honestly as possible, something honest each day. Today I am calm and content. My mom gave me a lot of pep talks over the holidays, which I believe are helping. I’m waiting for breakfast to be made. I am spoiled. It’s a sunny day and I have a new lens on my camera. One that isn’t broken. Yes. Like me. I am not broken. I’m debating leaving the big city and moving back to slightly smaller one. I’m not sure the life I dreamed of is really the life I want. And that’s okay. I don’t want to create the habit of not finishing what I start, but sometimes one needs to move on. Sometimes things end before they end.
There are questions I want to stop asking myself. All the self doubts. “Why do people like me?”, “Can I do this?”, and then also the statements, “People don’t like me”, “I can’t do this”. The things like “I don’t want to do this” also need to go, because I need to learn to enjoy myself where ever I am, doing whatever I’m doing. I’m in theatre school. This was my wildest dream for so long, so I should be happy about it. That being said, I had no idea what it entailed. I had no understanding of the rigour, the demands, emotionally, physically, mentally, that acting requires. I am no doubt scared I can’t do it, but I don’t know how much of that is causing me a lack of interest in it. I wasn’t scared of challenges before, but I’ve never been challenged like this before. I’m half way through. An actor must question why they want to be an actor at all. It is a daily challenge.
The way I see myself is changing drastically. I don’t see myself as a radical. I can’t see myself as a starving artist. I need stability. I need to live a life I can handle. And maybe acting isn’t it. And that’s okay.