Constantly searching for a distraction, for sand to dig my head into. I’m growing up, I’m changing, it’s a puberty of sorts. Cities, programs, education. Not fucking up. It’s all scary. It’s tough to make choices, because what if they’re the wrong choices? But maybe those don’t exist, it’s all something to learn from. I don’t regret anything, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I left my degree to follow my dreams, and now I don’t know if they’re my dreams anymore. Maybe I’m more of a brainiac than an actor. I no longer know where to go with my life. This is new. This is fucked. I need to stop comparing myself to other people, to other lives and journeys. They’re not mine. Mine doesn’t have to be like theirs. Do I want to be an academic or a thespian? What do I value most in life? I value human connection, and the theatre is the place for that, but the demands are so high.
I value human connection. At least I know that. I value education. I value family. But I have supports in Vancouver like I do in Toronto? Do I have supports in Toronto like I do in Vancouver? I’m rather in a mood to do the good Indian girl thing, live at home, go to University, ignore the outside world. But the whole point is to challenge that, but I want to spend sometime under a rock, am I not? But university isn’t living under a rock. I met someone who’d changed their major five times. And someone in third year engineering who switched to art history.
I’m out on my own, there’s something to be said for that. I’m free. But to do what? I’m really jumping the gun here though. Everything could work out fine. In an ideal situation, I’ll rediscover my love of theatre and acting and commit to it and just soar. And forget about everything else. And graduate on time. So why not pour all my energy into that? Because… it’s hard. And I’m struggling with the reality of things being hard. Of not having my good old friend mania to help me out with the drudgery. What will I do without mania?