Okay so time to start living again. In a living room, with friends who are studying for a class I dropped. They are learning viel und viel, und ich werder doofer und doofer. Aber das ist nicht richtig. I believe so many false things. I’m obsessed with my weight. I’m obsessed with food. I’m thinking a lot about my ex. All good things, ha ha. I don’t leave enough space here for lightness, for humour. For my goofy inner world. My goofy inner world is collapsing. I spend so much time in my head. I am embarrassed by myself, by my thoughts, my doings. They’re all in my control though, I can change the way I think and do. Slowly. But instead of aspiring to change, I need to learn to accept where I am in the present. Acceptance. I feel like I’m writing about the same things over and over again. Is there value in that? Repetition, sure, but going in circles. I feel like I’m making no progress. But that isn’t true. I need to learn to distrust my feelings. I’m too attached to them.
I am making progress. Baby steps. Small goals. Doing what I need to do to take care of my health. It’s important. Make things manageable. Take smaller bites, as it were. My mind is restless. Discipline, I want discipline. I have discipline. I can exercise my discipline. I have to let go of how I want my life to be, and accept what is, and have hope for what can be. Everything is temporary. This too shall pass. It all passes. My greens smoothies. Wasting time on Facebook. I want food. I want the news.