I have become incarcerated by my fear, my fear to live, to really, truly live. I feel like I need to do something big and crazy to escape, but the answer lies in the small. Make my bed. Brush my teeth. Shower. Write in my planner. Do my homework. Plan out my life. Say no to suicide. It really is that simple, it really just is a choice. Well, once the meds kick in, it’s a choice.
I’m ashamed of my choices, of choosing fear and apathy sometimes. But it doesn’t mean I’m stuck with those choices forever. Who know we have so much freedom in how our lives go? We do, at least with how we think and act. Everything is a mystery. I can get out of bed and go to school. I can chose to do that. This boggles my mind. Why have I cultivated such a negative mental environment for myself? Oh, fuck it, let me over analyze everything to the tee. Why have I become so afraid? And what to do?
This question cannot be answered in a day.
I feel so ashamed. Of my humanity. Of my fear. Of myself. Of all the things I cannot do. This is foolish.
Choose, don’t run. Make strong choices. Just like in acting, I need strong wants. I want health. So do the things that lead to health. I want to reignite my passion for creation. Do things that inspire me. Be with people who inspire me.