A good morning. I remember that I’ve been struggling with mental health issues for over a decade, and have still succeeded in many regards. It’s not the death sentence it’s been feeling like it is, it’s not a promise of diminishing returns on my future, it’s not something which defeats me. Then I am extremely late for a meeting I almost forgot about. Life is funny. It didn’t end up being a problem, so that’s fine. Maybe I can live my life as I need to, at the pace and standard that is required of me. I need to trust hope as much as I trust despair, for I trust too deeply despair. A green lolly pop melts in my mouth. Can fear melt so quickly too, I pray it can, I pray to anything that will listen to me.
I have to try harder. I have to try hope harder. I have to push more for my own sake. Dissolving is not an option. Death is not an option. It doesn’t matter if I have to tell myself this everyday, multiple times a day, so long as I do it. It doesn’t matter how hard it is, so long as I keep up as best I can, so long as I actually try, ignoring the self-pity that I am oft to roll in. There’s no time! There’s no time to be afraid, there is too much at stake. My life, my livelihood is at stake. These are big things. These should matter the most to me, my own self. Life is perhaps wholly a lesson in love, love of oneself, primarily. I’m getting the best of me, and that’s not something I can afford.