I Have Everything I Need.

A week locked in my head, more or less. Detachment from reality, fast currents of thoughts, complete confusion at what was happening around me. Maybe that’s just part of life, maybe nothings too wrong with me. But I have this condition, this bipolar disorder, something that’s actually out of order in my brain. It was easier when I didn’t know, when there wasn’t anything remarkabely different –  but there’s always been something different, something skewed. The things that go wrong do not damn us forever, remember this. I am spending too much time concerned about my own well being. I am fearful for my health, for my ability to do what needs to be done in this world, the tasks beyond brushing my teeth and bathing and eating, the simple, basic requirements. There is an ever present danger to life, now. Suicidality is there, sitting, waiting for me, to devour me. I’m tired of running. Maybe I just need to get in better shape, train a little harder. I just want to put such darkness away from my mind, for the first time in months, and experience life in better clarity and form. It’s my responsibility to find a way to do this, to break my hold of myself and allow myself to really breathe and experience life again. But how do I get this bag off my head, this barrier between me and the rest of the world to collapse? I am not sure what tools to use. A butter knife will not suffice… or maybe a butter knife is my best bet, slow and steady. Meditation. Breathing. Breathe work. Writing. Painting. Art. These are my tools to a better life. I’m forgetting that I have everything I need to move forward. I have everything I need.

About Undecided Pseudonym

A woman who remembers enjoying writing.
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