When asking advice for how to deal with my parents and my mental health diagnosis, with the support I was hoping to receive somehow, I was advised to “cut the umbilical cord”, that I would be setting myself up for disappointment and failure if I, as I’d stated, felt I needed their support in order to make it through. Today, looking through my thoughts, I noticed how much they weight on my mind, their judgements and expectations, casting a shadow over my infinitesimal shards of hope that I cling on to. They may not support me in the way I need, but I can get that support from other places, other people. It has to come first and foremost from myself. I can’t keep looking around outside of me for it. I have to provide myself a foundation of unshakable faith in my own decisions and abilities. I hold so much guilt for not being the perfect child. I need to let go. Nothing is as we expect, no one can be as we expect. It only causes pain to seek perfection. I was told similar things by a nurse at the hospital. I have to live my life, my life, the way I see fit. I have to make my own mistakes and learn from them. I deserve kind words and unyielding support all the way, but it starts with me.
I am angry, for not having the life I wish I could have had with my family, but most people experience such disappointment. I’m sure they are mad at me too. But I can’t let that get in the way of my growth and progress. They made me, they don’t make me.