My fear is so deep, like dandelion roots into my soul. I fear asking for anything, for a form for student loans, for help finding a text book, all responsibilities ache in me somehow. Spending money terrifies me though I do it well. Losing day light. I sleep most of my days. I worry about the days to come. I over think everything. I’m obsessed with how I feel. I don’t have a remedy. I have to learn to accept who I am, the skills I have, what I don’t have, what I need, and remember that I can acquire everything I need. “If the teacher is not respected, and the student not cared for, confusion will arise.” Tao Te Ching, verse 27. Am I not respecting life? Am I not caring for myself? Who is the teacher, is it me? Am I not respecting myself?
I will not kill myself. My life will not take that route. I am feeling renewed in this struggle, whatever it is, wherever it comes from. Whatever it means. I am no doubt tired of fighting for every day, for every touch of sunlight that I can bare, for every night I go to sleep at 8pm, unable to stand being awake. I’m fighting day and night. Self-mastery. I’ve lost my self-mastery. I’ve lost my ability to reassure myself, to have faith in positive outcomes, to trust my own dignity. Rise up. Rise up.