Okay. I’m losing my mind right now. RIGHT NOW. I drew on my face with eyeliner. I always put on eyeliner when I feel nuts. Dark lipstick.
Laughing in my hallway. I want to yell. Let me out. Why am I trapped in this body? Fuck shit fuck. Two Atavans. Mania? I had an EEG today. Can that fuck with you? My VISA bill is stressful. Those people are bad. I want to be a lizard and run around my house. I am running around the apartment losing my mind. Rolling on the floor, hiding behind doors, so animal like, madness is a hyper dog, a raverous lion, a hamster on crack. I want to go outside. No amount of running away from anywhere will change anything. This is calming me down. I just want to be loved. I am loved. I want to call my parents and tell them they messed up. Big time. Why the fuck. I don’t know. I want to be with a friend. I love my fish. I am being perhap discharged from the hospital tomorrow. Maybe not if I tell them about this, which I should. I do not want to be home alone losing my mind. Atavan is kicking in. Good. Calming down. I love this blog. Keeps me sane. Womp womp womp. Wimp! Batshit bitch! My face is dark and covered in lines. I am beautiful. Really, I am. Men and women must want me. Sexual beings. Sexual healing. That never helps. Relationships are a mess. There is a young man I want. Sigh. We are too smart for that. Cheerios. Help. I want movie theatre popcorn. There’s a theatre across the way. I should go and get some and then watch Friends. I am debating a new laptop. Money I don’t have. Will ask parents. I feel sorry for them. I have pushed them so far away. I moved over 4000km. Canada is big. Ha. I want to travel and be normal. I like normal. I used to crave these wild moods, and now I have had enough. At 22 I have had enough insanity.
It’s literally insanity. Good thing I’m too smart for razors now. I am beyond that. I will not not not not not not hurt myself. Because. I am done with that, though I feel like the Mad Hatter. Tea? I was debating tea. My mind, my beautiful mind- I like that movie, my mom likes that movie. Two Atavan, oh my poor brain, she is melting away, and I am contributing to her pollution. I love my fish. Vladimir. Vladimir, I say. Sing. Say. Madness is a lovely friend, until she slashes your face with a tire iron. And she does so, often. Ooops. Ooooooooooooooooopsss. Poop. I want someone to hold me. Tight. Tight to death. Not death death, cute death. I had a dream where suicide was an operation you could get at the hospital. They talk to you while you die. I felt how real suicide would be, how I would leave and people would be left and life would go on terribly for them. I do not want that. Repeat, do not. Indeed. Good good. Meds are helping.
World, world, what else can I tell you? I am alone in here, in this head, in this pretty head. And no one can touch me.