My eyelids are heavy, and my insides are hungry for something even the most decadent food cannot satiate. Perhaps I am longing for love. What else is there to long for? The light outside is bright, shifting into the gleam of twilight. I want to join the world beyond my living room, but whenever I step out, I still feel separate. I just want a day where I don’t think about these things anymore. I am tired of living inside myself. What was it like, to not be so trapped in my own well being, or lack thereof? Life will not be the same again. Lessons I thought I’d already learned. They keep coming until we truly understand. Everything is in flux, stagnation is a lack of perception, the inability to see that change is innate to living. I am overwhelmed by these changes. September was a good month. It is summer. School has finished. I am fearful of everything I love, because love, more than anything else, has the capacity to break me. I feel everything so much, so big. The world grows and grows inside of me and I have no control over it, I can do nothing but love it all. In my efforts to sabotage this growth, perhaps my pains come. I must let whatever this power is evolve as it needs to. I must stop this war with myself. I must make peace with the darkness, without letting it conquer me. I am a sad woman with heavy veins. I am painting and listening to Coldplay. Life can’t be so bad then, can it? No, not at all. I am craving a donut, but it is 8pm, and I am wiser than that. I am sleepy. Good work, Seroquel XR. I enjoy going to bed at 8pm. I enjoy, at times, speaking to no one, calling no one, being alone here. I am alone everywhere. I hate sounding so fucking depressed. Ha ha. Life is beautiful! Our dreams are coming true! We are all that we need! Love is real! Jesus loves you!
All true, I’m sure. Nonetheless, my appetite for a full silence, a true slumber, are not at rest.