A few more colours dabbed on, from unnamed bottles. Doubling the dosage makes it an anti-psychotic. I’m on anti-psychotics. I feel that there is someone else in me. I have felt this for sometime, but never quite been able to say it, or if I did, it meant it as a metaphore, when really, it’s not a metaphore, that’s what it is. Again, my life makes sense, looking back, though they haven’t diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, it makes sense, it fits, even snugger than Bipolar fit. I wrote out some things for my mental health team, trying to best explain what it is I experience. Sometimes, I look in the mirror, and my face is blank, my face is a strange face, and my voice a strangers voice. I feel nothing, or I simply feel rage. I was screaming in the hospital elevator. I didn’t realize it wasn’t sound proof. Hearing someone else say to me “You were screaming in the elevator, in the hospital” was really jarring. Who have I become? They said that long-term hospitalization might be helpful. That was jarring too. What was going to happen to me? I have been improving a little, but I can’t survive having improved a little. I’m still suffering, though not sure what from. Maybe it’s bipolar with psychosis. Maybe it’s BDP. Maybe it’s something else. How, how do things only become clear in retrospect? We cannot see what we are in, perhaps. That makes sense, we’re in it, we can’t step out of it until it is past.
“Absence of emotional expression (your face seems blank) or absence of spontaneous speech or lack of desire or motivation to pursue any goals”
A symptom of Schizophrena. I don’t have schizophrena, but I have that. No one ever told me that was a sympton of something. Absence of spontaneous speech, lack of desire, how… how is it that all my perceived self-failings could just be illness? It is, odd. I can’t track the beginnings of these symptoms. I can’t remember how long things have lasted, when they started or disappeared. Have I been in the rabbit hole for so long? Have I ever been on land?