Nina Simone. I want to sing. Beautifully.
I am very lost. Waldeinsamkeit. The feeling of being lost in the woods, alone. This is similar to that, I imagine. It’s like, I just don’t work anymore. I’m malfunctioning software. Maybe I’m just not using myself properly. This is just a re-education in the ways of my usage. Of how to function optimally. I suppose so. At Remarkable Bean. They are remarkable. Their eats are fantastic. The weather, winter in April. I did not attend day hospital today. I felt like such a failure, getting up at 11:30, unable to face taking the streetcar for an hour to St. Joe’s. Google Chrome has shitty spellcheck. There, I just turned it off. Now I have to be careful, lest I make a fool of myself, though I don’t know too many people who take spelling and grammar as seriously as I do. Regardless, I must hold myself responsible for at least something. I love grammar, I really do. I want be dress like very androgynously. Well, more like, in male clothes, with short hair, and make up. I love that look. I should cut my hair even shorter. I don’t know how to do male hair. I could ask Alexi. I could just try. Hair always grows back. Does mental health grow back? I’m told it does. Growing pains then. These are all just growing pains.
It won’t be normal again. I’ve taken the red pill, without having had any knowledge of having taken any pills. Just got slipped into my drink when I wasn’t looking, and now, I don’t know where these bruises came from. I don’t remember how I got here. I don’t know what’s happened, or happening, and I can’t have answers. There are no answers. Just therapy and cat scans and medication. For now, at least. I haven’t seen the Matrix in so many years. I wrote a shitty essay, but for this first year, college course, it will suffice. I’ve never been one for college bashing, but it is so very different than University. Do we capitalize University, or is that a grammatical inherency from studying German, capitalizing nouns? I enjoy capitalizing nouns. I’m going to eat a good dinner. Green veggies, and rice, and beans. Avocado. And a bit of chocolate for desert.
I need to reconnect with my dreams. I need to make this work. I need to survive this. I need to survive this. To flourish, to take life by storm, to evolve and arise. There’s no other option but to keep on going. I have to make this work. I will make this work. It is terrifying, but I have to. I want to.