A Rant on Awakening.

It’s such a challenge, to see the value in each day, it’s so easy to get distracted by absolutely anything- and the mind seeks distraction. At least my mind does. One part of my brain wants to stay the way it is, just whizzing around, doing whatever it wants, whenever it feels like it, and then there’s this much smaller part that has an excruciating desire to be present, to really engage with the world, to tackle the big questions, to write insanely, incessantly, to constantly produce art, be busy with one project or another, bravely interact with all those around me, no holds barred, blah blah blah, carpe diem, more gooey statements on not only seeing the glass as half full but guzzling it down before anyone else does. 

I always feel like I just need someone to grab me by the shoulders, viciously shake me and shout “WAKE UP, WAKE UP!” – and every once in a while I get that, and it’s great, but I need to learn how to do that for myself, but also  enjoy life when it’s not fast-paced and I’m not constantly grappling with the great struggles of our time. 

FRAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. I feel frustrated. I’m angry that it’s so hard to do what’s good, to do what we know we need to and must do. I wish I could just tell people what I feel. To be honest, a fiery dark skinned honest feminist. FUCK YES. Dear me, that’ll be quite the challenge. But it’s an important challenge to rise up to and face.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE? Ask yourself that- ask yourself that every damn day, because we’re all going to die one day, all of us, and we only have one chance to do whatever it is that we want to do, only one chance, and that chance could end tomorrow, it could end right now, and in those moments before life ceases, all we’re going to have is the knowledge of who we were and what we did with our abilities, in that little time frame that was given to us. I certainly don’t have to regret not being as outspoken as I wanted to be.

I get tired of myself really easy, and that isn’t a good thing. If that’s the case, I need to re-create myself everyday, weed out the things that I do and think and say that don’t work, and nurture the things which I already have and do which will get me through this life in a way I will be able to respect and cherish.

I wanna step out of the past and live in what’s going on now. I want to stop wasting my time thinking about people I can’t stand, and all the ways they screwed me over, I want to get rid of all the rage the rage the insufferable rage and turn in into something. This doesn’t mean I want to melt into a drippy flowery puddle of love, but I just want to be able to make amends with the past and walk on, forwards, a strong and liberated woman. And that’s not too much to ask, it’s the absolute bare minimum of what I owe myself. 

About Undecided Pseudonym

A woman who remembers enjoying writing.
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